


Loss

by GayAquarius



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Health Issues, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayAquarius/pseuds/GayAquarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since Rose gave birth and disappeared, Pearl has been devastated. She can't imagine living in a world without Rose, and her grief overtakes her to a point where she considers shattering her own gem. Before she's able to act on her thoughts, Garnet finds her, having seen her suicidal intent with her future vision, and tries to console her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> I said this in the beginning of another fic that involved a suicidal character, but I am someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts. I still do. I know that's very personal, but I feel the need to say so to give my perspective. I'm not romanticizing mental health issues as I suffer from them. Sometimes I like to write about real topics in my fics.
> 
> Also, in case it wasn't obvious from the description, the RosePearl is in the past since Rose is no longer around. And the Pearlnet is more hinted at than done outright, but take it from the author, it's meant to be there.
> 
> The "major character death" is about Rose, not Pearl. While this fic doesn't show her actual "death", I figured it focused heavily enough on it to warrant the tag.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

_ She’s gone. _

The thought echoes through my mind over and over and over again as I sit at the edge of the cliff near the temple, my long legs dangling over the edge. There’s no escape from my pain. Every time I see baby Steven, I’m reminded of who he took the place of. He’s an innocent child, and yet it’s hard not to resent him. It’s petty. It’s out of his control. Am I a bad gem?

The world is a lot bleaker without Rose in it. That much I know. I’m weak. Too weak to survive without her. Shortly before her birth and subsequent disappearance, she told me to stay strong and that she’d always love me, even if she was no longer here. It wasn’t enough. I  _ need  _ Rose, but she’s gone.  _ Gone. _

Generally, gems don’t shatter themselves. Shattering is a tragedy that is virtually unheard of outside of war. Accidents tend to result in repairable cracking rather than full on shattering. Our gems are build to be durable, to last through most damage. 

The process of shattering one’s gem almost takes more guts than sacrificing yourself on the battlefield. It forces a gem to take matters into her own hands. Most gems can’t stomach the process of shattering their own gem, no matter how depressed, how hopeless they feel. Do I have what it takes? I was always weak in spirit. Why would this be any different?

I look down the cliff, seeing the rock below. If I fell face first, and landed on the rock with my forehead, it should shatter, right? I hope it would be an immediate process. No pain, no suffering. The end.

Many humans believe in an afterlife of sorts. I’d like to believe that if I shattered myself, Rose would be waiting for me on some sort of “other side”. I can see why humans believe in such a thing; it makes the permanence of death seem less scary. It makes it more bearable to lose your loved ones. Despite wanting to believe, I can’t. I don’t think Rose is waiting for me. At least my pain will be over, if I just find it within myself to fling myself over the edge.

“Pearl!”

I jump in place at the sound of Garnet’s voice. I turn around, and she’s running towards me. When she reaches me, she sits down next to me on the edge of the cliff. While I resent her for interrupting my line of thought, I don’t mind seeing her.

“Hello, Garnet.”

“What are you doing?”

I look towards the sky, and use it as an excuse. “Watching the sunset. Isn’t it beautiful today? Look at those lovely colors.” Today the sky is particularly pink. A very nostalgic, familiar shade of pink. It’s yet another reminder of my lost love. There’s a knot in my throat and I try not to cry. Not in front of Garnet.

“Don’t lie to me, Pearl.” Garnet’s voice is harsh, but it doesn’t seem to be purely from anger.

“L-lie?” I stammer. “But Garnet, I-” She cuts me off.

“Did you forget I have future vision?” These words come out almost as a yell. It’s strange for her. Garnet takes a deep breath, trying to steady herself. Ruby seems to be the one overpowering her actions at the moment. “I know what you were planning on doing, Pearl.” I freeze in place. How could I forget her powers? I suppose I assumed she wouldn’t bother using them to check on me. I try to formulate some kind of response.

“Your future vision must have been wrong. I…” My voice trails off. I realize I can’t lie. I can’t pretend like things are fine. They aren’t. They haven’t been ever since Rose disappeared, and I’m quite frankly unsure if things will ever be “fine” again in a Roseless world. “I’m sorry, Garnet.” The words come out so quietly I can barely hear them.

“I’ve been worried about you ever since Rose disappeared. I knew you’d find it hard to cope. I know you loved her very much. If I were unfused and Ruby or Sapphire shattered or otherwise went away, I don’t know how the other would handle it. I…” She runs out of steam mid sentence in a way that’s unusual for Garnet. “I checked on your future because I wasn’t sure what you’d do, and I kept seeing futures where you shattered yourself. I couldn’t let that happen.” She takes a deep breath. “I’d never forgive myself.” She says the last sentence so quietly I’m not sure if she actually said it.

“I’m… sorry,” I choke out. I can no longer hold back the tears. The floodgates open and they drip down my face like a waterfall. I look back down the cliff, and think about how easy it would be to “accidentally” fall off. Then I realized this would force Garnet to witness my shattering. She doesn’t deserve that. She also deserves better than to care about a defective gem like me.

Garnet puts her arm around me. It’s meant to be a comforting gesture, but I tense up. She notices the way I freeze in place and pulls her arm back. 

“Rose wouldn’t have wanted you to shatter yourself on account of her absence. I know you loved her, but she loved you too, very much. She would have wanted you to live, Pearl.” 

The way Garnet used past tense only made my sobs grow louder. I wish I could hold back, but I could no longer pretend I had anything resembling composure. I’m a gem warrior who is thousands of years old, but I’m emotionally weaker than the average human child right now. 

“Why do  _ you  _ care?” The words come out in a near screeching tone, and very impulsively. I regret them by the time the sentence is partway out of my mouth, but I can’t take what I said back. I also can’t look in Garnet’s direction. I force myself to continue to look at the sky, away from her. I notice that the sun is gradually making its way down, giving way to night with time.

The silence after my outburst is deafening. The tension in the air is thick. Unlike earlier, Garnet isn’t letting Ruby overpower her. She’s in Sapphire mode, carefully thinking of how to respond to me, what to say that wouldn’t set off a pathetic and inconsible gem like me even more. I pity her, and I wish I didn’t put her in this position. She shouldn’t have to feel responsible for me.

“Pearl, losing you would devastate us. We need you. As much as you would probably hate to hear it, Steven needs you as he grows up. Amethyst needs you.” She pauses. “ _ I  _ need you.” 

Her words are sweet, but I find it hard to believe that the stoic, distant Garnet  _ actually _ needs me. Although it’s not the best way to feel, I find myself wondering if she means these words or is just trying to prevent me from flinging myself off this cliff in any way she can. Then I realize that if she cares enough to try so hard to stop me, she must care on some level, right?

Being cared about by Garnet sounds nicer than I care to admit. Tears are still dripping from my eyes, but I feel some heat creep to my face, likely painted turquoise. Garnet would never replace Rose, but I always admired her. I was too busy clinging to Rose to get to know her extremely well, but it was nice for her to be here. As much as I didn’t want to admit it,  _ her  _ being here feels different than if it was Amethyst or any other gem.

It’s too soon to feel too strongly about it, but I appreciate her presence.

“What would help you, Pearl?”

I pause. What  _ would  _ help me? Could anything help at this point? At this point, my eyes feel dried out, like I can’t cry anymore. I take a deep breath.

I think of something after a while.

“You say you saw futures where I shatter myself. Are there any futures where I’m… happy?” I’m silent for a few seconds. “Please be honest. If I’m miserable in every future you see, don’t tell me otherwise.”

“I’m always honest, Pearl,” Garnet says, and I believe her. “And to answer your question, yes. There are futures where you’re happy. I won’t claim the process is immediate, and in every future you will continue to miss Rose. That’s inevitable. But in many you grow to love Steven, and you no longer resent him.”

“I don’t resent-” I’m interrupted.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Pearl.” I shut my mouth, knowing that I can’t successfully lie to Garnet. “And yes, if you keep fighting, there are many possibilities of you beginning to heal. There’s even a future where you…” Her sentence trails off and she’s silent like she didn’t end what she said on a cliffhanger.

“There’s a future where I  _ what _ ?” I ask.

Garnet giggles. It’s rare coming from her, and I can’t help but blush. It’s not often I get to see her look so tickled. I swore I even saw a little color on her dark cheeks.

“You’ll just have to wait and find out, won’t you?” she asks in a playful tone.

“Garnet, come on! Tell me!” I flail a bit in place and accidentally fall onto her. She catches me, and doesn’t seem to mind that I did.

“No, but I’m seeing that future become more and more likely. You’ll see.”

I sigh. “I guess… I guess I  _ will  _ see.”

At this point, the sun has set almost entirely. While grief still haunted me, and I knew I’d still get thoughts about how easy it would be to end it all… maybe eventually things will start to be okay again, even if I’ll always miss Rose. Maybe someday.

And maybe someday I’ll see what Garnet was teasing me about.


End file.
